84. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

                 Zero out of ☆☆☆☆

In the world of online dating, it isn’t uncommon for men and women to have “backup” options, potential romantic interests you keep in your back pocket in case things with the guy or girl you’re really into don’t work out.  For Mortal Kombat Annhilation, I imagine that that studio execs had 20 other people they had in mind to direct and write and do special effects for the film, but those directors, writers and technicians all had smarter, sexier, more introduce-to-your-parents-worthy movie matches they swiped right on.

If a movie were a steak, then the first Mortal Kombat film is a T-Bone that a chef let sitting on the grill too long, still edible with a slight hint of flavor, but difficult to consume and digest. By that same analogy, Mortal Kombat: Annhilation too is an overcooked steak, but one that has been left rotting in the garbage for two weeks with maggots crawling around on it,. It isn’t even edible, and there’s a good chance that if you eat it, you might die.

This analogy is a bit overdramatic, you won’t die by watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, but it will make you wish as if you were dead. I’m completely serious and I don’t mean to needlessly hate on a film, as there are plenty of creative, innovative films that audiences and critics just couldn’t wrap their heads around. But I legitimately was depressed while watching this movie. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was so bad it made me sad by watching it.

This movie is so bad that they lost three members of their principal cast when heading into a sequel, the actors who played Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade and most importantly Raiden. It’s possible that the original actors asked for too much money and the studio deemed them replaceable, but I theorize they read the script and ran for the hills. Even after I finished it, I still was in a mucky state for the rest of my day. I cancelled my plans and didn’t leave my house. The weight of the badness of this movie literally kept me from moving.

Pretty much, Liu Kang and crew, right after he wins Mortal Kombat, is thrown into another other-worldy, fate-of-the-universe type battle with Shao Kahn. Like Shang Tsung, Kahn was the final boss of a Mortal Kombat game, arguably more difficult to beat than Tsung was. He also looked a lot cooler than Tsung, so it’s natural to make a sequel with him as the lead villain.

What we get from there isn’t so much a plot as it is a homemade film a 5-year-old made of his Mortal Kombat action figures with his dad’s camcorder but with a multi-million dollar budget. A big part of the movie is Liu Kang learning to transform into a dragon. Not a metaphorical or spiritual dragon or anything like that, but an actual fucking dragon. It’s actually something that happens from the game, is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in a movie.

I’m not going to write anymore about Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, because I’m afraid that I may accidentally generate interest in others to see just how bad this movie actually is.

“Dude, remember Mortal Kombat: Annihlation? It was so bad! But it’s on Netflix right now, you want to watch just for kicks?

No dude, you do not want to watch just for kicks! You don’t want to watch ever! This isn’t like The Human Centipede where you feel like you have to watch just to see what all the fuss is about. This movie will literally make you sad. It will ruin your weekend and your friends will be depressed being around you. Just watch the first one and then when Liu Kang saves the day and they’re all happy afterwards for a few moments, just stop, turn off your TV or computer and walk away. There’s nothing else to see beyond that point. Just trust me, it’ll be better for you that way.

 

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